Btw it isn’t…..

Watching the hours minutes bit by bit …

disappear like blood they drip away from me

into distant haze

..he rarely engages my gaze

Not today

just memories and fear

Saddle up the silent grey

the mare

who rarely you’ll hear

a neigh

she’s the one

Ride her your journey

she’s the one

for the eternal

She’ll take you there

Imagine

such a wholesome

protector,

provider

of

everything

essential ….

and

you

just

have to ride her there.

If only life was

As

Simple

As

That .

Btw. Sad fact.

It isn’t.

Birdsong bank holidays

Dusklight birdsong interrupted

by the mobile he can’t answer

as he’s been immobile. …

In bed.

Hard for him the 80s flashbacks,

3 days a slave to space they make him

Spaced out my provider space man they take him ……he never expected this.

And I knew I married this. I love him.

Hate to see him like this.

But.

Both of us

Helpless.

Me and two children trying to get on and make it seem as nothing’s difficult, nothings wrong.

Of course it is.

But course it is cause I’m up and down anyway, The B the P and the D

The tempestuous sea

they notice the endless cycle …

it’s never for them pain free

Disappear I say

to the word

Fear I say

in my

vocabulary

Everyone deserves a chance

of a fear free.

Says me.

The endless cycle

Guess who’s disciple.

Let’s see.

BPD

Silly me. B. P. D.

What did the doctor say?

Dismissive lines

Dear you’ll be fine

Clear he’s got no idea

Been the story since I can remember

To school a bottle of orange juice

Generous splash of vodka

Since I was fourteen.

The mess thereafter

Should be long ever after

Forgotten and trodden into mud

But.

Hey I’m fun mum.

I’m the run mum

Marathons and disco queen

Make-up at 7am

Party til whatever when

I’ll be your forever glamorous friend.

I’m the surprise

The laugh never dies

I’m here to laugh til the end.

But sometimes. It shadows the BPD.

Ha ha It’s just me.

Me and Mr

I don’t know what to say anymore

Frightened to be brave anymore

I don’t know what to say

We throw things at each other

Forget the love one and other

Forget we can say sorry

I’m tired of the alarm pain alert

The be careful cause you might get hurt

I’m tired of being afraid

I don’t know what to say anymore

Frightened to be brave anymore

I don’t know what to say Anymore.

Shakes

The fault line is always there
Tremors inevitably around the corner
I’m waiting for the big one

anxiety amplifies

a flurry on the seismometer
I should be able to see it coming by now
Should’ve bolstered my foundations
But I didn’t.

Stay strong I say
To the structure of me
Stay strong, I sway
My mind eternally.

A voice I hear
Breaks through so clear
Always try, always try.
So I’m still here.