Silly me. B. P. D.

What did the doctor say?

Dismissive lines

Dear you’ll be fine

Clear he’s got no idea

Been the story since I can remember

To school a bottle of orange juice

Generous splash of vodka

Since I was fourteen.

The mess thereafter

Should be long ever after

Forgotten and trodden into mud


Hey I’m fun mum.

I’m the run mum

Marathons and disco queen

Make-up at 7am

Party til whatever when

I’ll be your forever glamorous friend.

I’m the surprise

The laugh never dies

I’m here to laugh til the end.

But sometimes. It shadows the BPD.

Ha ha It’s just me.

Me and Mr

I don’t know what to say anymore

Frightened to be brave anymore

I don’t know what to say

We throw things at each other

Forget the love one and other

Forget we can say sorry

I’m tired of the alarm pain alert

The be careful cause you might get hurt

I’m tired of being afraid

I don’t know what to say anymore

Frightened to be brave anymore

I don’t know what to say Anymore.


The fault line is always there
Tremors inevitably around the corner
I’m waiting for the big one

anxiety amplifies

a flurry on the seismometer
I should be able to see it coming by now
Should’ve bolstered my foundations
But I didn’t.

Stay strong I say
To the structure of me
Stay strong, I sway
My mind eternally.

A voice I hear
Breaks through so clear
Always try, always try.
So I’m still here.


so.   Today with all the headlines I decide it’s time I ask my mother why she ignored (read as flat denied it could be possible) me when I told her her ex boss sexually assaulted me when I was 14.  Maybe it’s just a very belated cry for attention. But it’s something I need answering before I die.

I will let you know what she says.

Ok. Time called.

Today I am a drunk and may it be the last day I say that. I am sick of it.

Tomorrow I am going to begin a journey of running.

I am going to time my workouts like I used to. Plan my fartlets and intervals like I used to. Build structure into my days rather than escape.

Today is nonsense. It is all about tomorrow.

Coping mechanisms and the Y

There is a theory out there that the only way a person can truly recover from addiction is to confront it as a personal battle or journey and one only you yourself can do. You have to want to. For many this maybe after you hit your own rock bottom. You then have to really try. Really try.

Whilst a lot in this is true it is important we share too both the how and the why we stop. Or at least want and try to. For many it is simply moving from a daily drive of the fast car to maybe just taking it out on weekends, on less days than you would otherwise. For others it’s leaving it in the garage for maybe a few weeks or more then taking it out again. Then getting cross with it and putting it back in the garage. Rinse. Repeat. For some it is properly selling the damn thing.

Whatever category you fall into it is important to remain non judgemental of so called failures. The moment you judge that point you get back in the car it’s like licence to go even faster than before, fck it I’m gonna lose my licence so why lose it at 50, let’s hit 100. (I went here btw bad move). Important not to judge but to reflect in a quiet moment that recovers you a sense of control. Why did that happen then. Ok let’s do this again. This isn’t day one again. It’s picking up the bike after falling off, we aren’t learning to ride the thing, we know how to keep balance. It’s just we fell off.

Sharing for me is and has been important. Reading the blogs, listening to others coping, not coping, learning not to expect everything to just be super fairyland after a few days or months, sometimes just being inspired by those dedicating energy into fitness….. SO.

That’s where I want to focus on the Why. I think it’s super important to always revisit the why when you feel like you’re being drawn down the rabbit hole again. Alice is not your friend. She has an intoxicating smile but a stiletto in every pocket. Beware of The rabbit hole. Sometimes we can be tricked into thinking our craving is more than that, she is adept at dressing it up.

My ‘why’ is first and foremost I am a mother. I want to be there for my girls. When they need me. When they call. I want to see them grow up, I want to be something I never had (mother left me when I was 3). I want to be able to support them through studies, see them find love and be there for the break ups, be there for their wedding days, maybe be a granny one day. Be a granny my girls never had. My other ‘why’ is physical wellness. I’ve been told my red blood cells are slightly enlarged but otherwise my blood results are really very good (Hello? Is that hope?). So as a thank you to my blood and this body that allows me to see the sun rise, the laughs of my children, the delightful chaos and diversity of London, the feeling of strength when I have a good run through Hyde Park, I should say thank you. There are many other Whys. My husband of course, my late father – he had so much pride for me – since he left I’ve been a vertical jigsaw…

Anyway. I hadn’t meant this blog to be so long. It isn’t my style.

So there are a couple of ‘Why’s’. Let’s talk ‘How’.

Coping mechanisms

Reading your ‘Whys’.

Cleaning or organising admin. Writing a list of other things to occupy your mind.

Chamomile tea

Sugary coffee

Going for a brisk walk or run

Having a short drive and screaming. Yes.

Doing some jumping jacks

Telling yourself off.

Singing loudly – think Elf

Drinking Miso. Spicy if possible.

Breathe deeply.

Put your headphones on.

Join in. Do.