Big Wave today

No-one towed me out no this one was all under my own steam. I got myself here in this mess. Paddling along. Up and down like our home wifi which has been struggling to cope with the first proper Autumn dribbles.

The embers I call them. How appropriate. I digress.

I thought when I was told the cravings would be like waves I was kind of expecting the little ones you could boogie Board off. Oh no. Today we went big wave surfing. And it was scary. Like coming down a big hill on a bicycle way too fast and then suddenly noticing the fecking corner, that was my day, a few hills where I’d feel in control then seeing that corner knowing I was in trouble. Riding the wave and watching the gap you need to ride out of shrink faster than you’re catching it. Crap. I needed untold amounts of ginger biscuits, flapjacks and brownies, never mind that sushi nonsense (actually I quite like sushi) or Pret wraps no ALL I need today is sugar!!! And lots of it!!! Also though. I need to walk or run or jump about or scream or listen to loud music and sing really badly but I wouldn’t care because it’s LOUD YEAH!! But I can’t because when you’re a legal partner in an open plan office of a Blue Chip company and someone the grads are supposed to look up to you’re just not supposed to do that kind of stuff. 😤

Damn it. Day 7 sober. We made it this far though….I got through the gap. Just.

Wanting back my personality

Its like someone’s playing a game

Pull it back yeah steady, take aim

Take a hit .. nice..

feel okay for a bit.. maybe twice

But why its really doing it you see


Just to rob me of my personality.

Jack and Jill fight up the hill

Have a drink yeah or take a pill

Anyway they keep up the play

And all they wanna do you see

Without you having a clue you see


Know they’ve robbed you of your personality.

So ignore the knock

Turn the key in the lock

Absorb the pain like freezing rain

Surfing the inevitable strain

Turn it into something you control

Get out the hole you’re in

And it


Simply. You win.

Day 5 sober.

Hope is round the corner…

Hope is round the corner

But it’s a cheeky fox

Just try to find it

and it will run from you

But feed it and it’s yours.

Day 3 felt like a Big Dipper.

Highs and fun moments were amazing

But you were a fool to think they were everlasting.

The noise of a hundred trains soon enveloped my mind. The only escape was a hard 5k run. Fck you I said as I pushed up cardiac hill as I call it. FCK YOU!!!!! To the noise. And slowly, slowly it started to slow down. As I sit here nursing a Becks Blue and nibbling an Easter Egg (yes I know… the universe spoke and helped me see this at the back of the fridge… I think it’s ok to eat 😳), whilst tired, I’m back in the room. Thank God.

Still on the road though. And that feels fine. Esp for a Saturday night. Yay 😉

Day two …. let’s do this

Today was nuts. Totally different to day two of sobriety just ten days ago before the roller coaster hit me with the 5 day bender. Then I felt awful. Today I felt euphoric, like I’d taken some serious happy pills. Haha like I was in a bloomin Tampax ad! If I could just bottle this and pour it on every day hereafter I reckon I could make this. But. I am anxious about what’s around the corner. Of course I am. You see it’s why there isn’t an exclamation mark on my title above. Funny how the mind works. I saw my counsellor. We spoke about Dad. My late father. Why I am sad. We need to speak more. For sure.

Day one … again

Last night I thought was genuinely having liver failure, cold sweats were manic, feelings of nausea constant. Yesterday was day 5 of some of the worst binge drinking I’ve done. Absolute nutter and bad mother. I actually slept through the school run leaving my daughter calling her stepdad to get her. It’s shocking memories like this that I need to read again and again. Literally I need to shock myself out of this. Twice in those 5 days I was drinking at 10am, then lunch, dinner, before bed and the next day whoa the hangover can just shhh she says as she pours another wine. But it’s ok because I’m drinking it out of a champagne glass so it’s really just like in those posh hotels when you have a cheeky one with breakfast. There are two minds in my head. The nonsense crazy car crash waiting to happen and then the girl who today says enough is enough and runs the downs and then hits the gym and runs some more before hitting the resistance machines for half an hour. This one is going to order an elderflower (flower, berry I’m not sure but it’s not wine). Tomorrow I want to be day 2 of progress. I liked the whites of my eyes too. I want the old me back.


Sharing a personal story.

I’m 5ft 5. I run. I drink. A lot. Both

I have four children. Two mine. One a toddler.

I have an amazing husband.

I am replete yet completely


I need to go back to work tomorrow.

I am the funnel you see being swallowed into the plughole. That is me right there. Now.