Hidden. Hiding. I hide.
Deeper. I go. Inside.
Reaching for the impossible shelf.
Reaching for a former self.
One that without paranoia could laugh
One that felt a sense of self worth.
Noise intense a constant battle
Noise immense a struggle with ‘mental’.
No-one towed me out no this one was all under my own steam. I got myself here in this mess. Paddling along. Up and down like our home wifi which has been struggling to cope with the first proper Autumn dribbles.
The embers I call them. How appropriate. I digress.
I thought when I was told the cravings would be like waves I was kind of expecting the little ones you could boogie Board off. Oh no. Today we went big wave surfing. And it was scary. Like coming down a big hill on a bicycle way too fast and then suddenly noticing the fecking corner, that was my day, a few hills where I’d feel in control then seeing that corner knowing I was in trouble. Riding the wave and watching the gap you need to ride out of shrink faster than you’re catching it. Crap. I needed untold amounts of ginger biscuits, flapjacks and brownies, never mind that sushi nonsense (actually I quite like sushi) or Pret wraps no ALL I need today is sugar!!! And lots of it!!! Also though. I need to walk or run or jump about or scream or listen to loud music and sing really badly but I wouldn’t care because it’s LOUD YEAH!! But I can’t because when you’re a legal partner in an open plan office of a Blue Chip company and someone the grads are supposed to look up to you’re just not supposed to do that kind of stuff. 😤
Damn it. Day 7 sober. We made it this far though….I got through the gap. Just.
Its like someone’s playing a game
Pull it back yeah steady, take aim
Take a hit .. nice..
feel okay for a bit.. maybe twice
But why its really doing it you see
Just to rob me of my personality.
Jack and Jill fight up the hill
Have a drink yeah or take a pill
Anyway they keep up the play
And all they wanna do you see
Without you having a clue you see
Know they’ve robbed you of your personality.
So ignore the knock
Turn the key in the lock
Absorb the pain like freezing rain
Surfing the inevitable strain
Turn it into something you control
Get out the hole you’re in
Simply. You win.
Day 5 sober.
Hope is round the corner
But it’s a cheeky fox
Just try to find it
and it will run from you
But feed it and it’s yours.
Day 3 felt like a Big Dipper.
Highs and fun moments were amazing
But you were a fool to think they were everlasting.
The noise of a hundred trains soon enveloped my mind. The only escape was a hard 5k run. Fck you I said as I pushed up cardiac hill as I call it. FCK YOU!!!!! To the noise. And slowly, slowly it started to slow down. As I sit here nursing a Becks Blue and nibbling an Easter Egg (yes I know… the universe spoke and helped me see this at the back of the fridge… I think it’s ok to eat 😳), whilst tired, I’m back in the room. Thank God.
Still on the road though. And that feels fine. Esp for a Saturday night. Yay 😉
Today was nuts. Totally different to day two of sobriety just ten days ago before the roller coaster hit me with the 5 day bender. Then I felt awful. Today I felt euphoric, like I’d taken some serious happy pills. Haha like I was in a bloomin Tampax ad! If I could just bottle this and pour it on every day hereafter I reckon I could make this. But. I am anxious about what’s around the corner. Of course I am. You see it’s why there isn’t an exclamation mark on my title above. Funny how the mind works. I saw my counsellor. We spoke about Dad. My late father. Why I am sad. We need to speak more. For sure.
Last night I thought was genuinely having liver failure, cold sweats were manic, feelings of nausea constant. Yesterday was day 5 of some of the worst binge drinking I’ve done. Absolute nutter and bad mother. I actually slept through the school run leaving my daughter calling her stepdad to get her. It’s shocking memories like this that I need to read again and again. Literally I need to shock myself out of this. Twice in those 5 days I was drinking at 10am, then lunch, dinner, before bed and the next day whoa the hangover can just shhh she says as she pours another wine. But it’s ok because I’m drinking it out of a champagne glass so it’s really just like in those posh hotels when you have a cheeky one with breakfast. There are two minds in my head. The nonsense crazy car crash waiting to happen and then the girl who today says enough is enough and runs the downs and then hits the gym and runs some more before hitting the resistance machines for half an hour. This one is going to order an elderflower (flower, berry I’m not sure but it’s not wine). Tomorrow I want to be day 2 of progress. I liked the whites of my eyes too. I want the old me back.
Sharing a personal story.
I’m 5ft 5. I run. I drink. A lot. Both
I have four children. Two mine. One a toddler.
I have an amazing husband.
I am replete yet completely
I need to go back to work tomorrow.
I am the funnel you see being swallowed into the plughole. That is me right there. Now.