Hope is round the corner…

Hope is round the corner

But it’s a cheeky fox

Just try to find it

and it will run from you

But feed it and it’s yours.

Day 3 felt like a Big Dipper.

Highs and fun moments were amazing

But you were a fool to think they were everlasting.

The noise of a hundred trains soon enveloped my mind. The only escape was a hard 5k run. Fck you I said as I pushed up cardiac hill as I call it. FCK YOU!!!!! To the noise. And slowly, slowly it started to slow down. As I sit here nursing a Becks Blue and nibbling an Easter Egg (yes I know… the universe spoke and helped me see this at the back of the fridge… I think it’s ok to eat 😳), whilst tired, I’m back in the room. Thank God.

Still on the road though. And that feels fine. Esp for a Saturday night. Yay 😉

Day two …. let’s do this

Today was nuts. Totally different to day two of sobriety just ten days ago before the roller coaster hit me with the 5 day bender. Then I felt awful. Today I felt euphoric, like I’d taken some serious happy pills. Haha like I was in a bloomin Tampax ad! If I could just bottle this and pour it on every day hereafter I reckon I could make this. But. I am anxious about what’s around the corner. Of course I am. You see it’s why there isn’t an exclamation mark on my title above. Funny how the mind works. I saw my counsellor. We spoke about Dad. My late father. Why I am sad. We need to speak more. For sure.

Day one … again

Last night I thought was genuinely having liver failure, cold sweats were manic, feelings of nausea constant. Yesterday was day 5 of some of the worst binge drinking I’ve done. Absolute nutter and bad mother. I actually slept through the school run leaving my daughter calling her stepdad to get her. It’s shocking memories like this that I need to read again and again. Literally I need to shock myself out of this. Twice in those 5 days I was drinking at 10am, then lunch, dinner, before bed and the next day whoa the hangover can just shhh she says as she pours another wine. But it’s ok because I’m drinking it out of a champagne glass so it’s really just like in those posh hotels when you have a cheeky one with breakfast. There are two minds in my head. The nonsense crazy car crash waiting to happen and then the girl who today says enough is enough and runs the downs and then hits the gym and runs some more before hitting the resistance machines for half an hour. This one is going to order an elderflower (flower, berry I’m not sure but it’s not wine). Tomorrow I want to be day 2 of progress. I liked the whites of my eyes too. I want the old me back.

Tomorrow

Sharing a personal story.

I’m 5ft 5. I run. I drink. A lot. Both

I have four children. Two mine. One a toddler.

I have an amazing husband.

I am replete yet completely

empty.

I need to go back to work tomorrow.

I am the funnel you see being swallowed into the plughole. That is me right there. Now.

My scribe..

My scribe today is a runner

I’m calling her that

Her title today

Though. She has fought

many others on the way

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Maybe I’m older

She is however

Our enterprise

She is however.

Today’s spice.

Sprinkle it fondly

With glee

Hope and ambition

Sprinkle with love

Within you for sure

It’s a given.

From London

With love.

Make up

The noise inside my ears

Least it breaks up the tears

As they’re falling down down down

After too many years

Confusion loss and fears

And me falling down down down

Time to get up

Make it up

Face up

to my fears

Gotta get myself outta bed

stop all this worry in my head

Put on my make up

As I’m making it today

Going to make it up today

Take a walk….

Leaves crunching beneath my feet

Green, yellow and mottled brown

Chestnuts still in emerald spiked coats

Push soles of my feet off the ground

Last night they were scattered all around

As the storm swept through the trees

I walk a mud trodden brown path,

it stretches out in front of me afar

So loud is the noise of wind rushing through trees

Envelopes every step I take, all others beseeched

I relish in this nature around

life existing so beautifully but so fragile

I watch the battle of a small Meadow Brown

A surprise for the time of year it tries to land on a nettle

Poor thing doesn’t stand much of a chance,

… it’s life probably only just begun.

I concentrate now on my falling boots,

how the ground supports me, supports us all

Sometimes softer with mud damp, my rhythmic footfall,

still the constant rush of leaves….

this time the noise in my mind

.. is one I’d like to again find .

For the first time now I hear the double cheep cheep of a bird

I stop for a moment try and find what I heard

Wondering what he is saying and how he fared the weather

they better know natures’ hiding places, They are so very clever

I later find out on my walk the bird it was a Kestrel.

But time time is ticking by and I have to return, myself have to fly. But what a wonderful idea mindful walking is. Find a green place, some quiet and reconnect with your ‘is’.