Hidden. Hiding. I hide.
Deeper. I go. Inside.
Reaching for the impossible shelf.
Reaching for a former self.
One that without paranoia could laugh
One that felt a sense of self worth.
Noise intense a constant battle
Noise immense a struggle with ‘mental’.
Its like someone’s playing a game
Pull it back yeah steady, take aim
Take a hit .. nice..
feel okay for a bit.. maybe twice
But why its really doing it you see
Just to rob me of my personality.
Jack and Jill fight up the hill
Have a drink yeah or take a pill
Anyway they keep up the play
And all they wanna do you see
Without you having a clue you see
Know they’ve robbed you of your personality.
So ignore the knock
Turn the key in the lock
Absorb the pain like freezing rain
Surfing the inevitable strain
Turn it into something you control
Get out the hole you’re in
Simply. You win.
Day 5 sober.
Last night I thought was genuinely having liver failure, cold sweats were manic, feelings of nausea constant. Yesterday was day 5 of some of the worst binge drinking I’ve done. Absolute nutter and bad mother. I actually slept through the school run leaving my daughter calling her stepdad to get her. It’s shocking memories like this that I need to read again and again. Literally I need to shock myself out of this. Twice in those 5 days I was drinking at 10am, then lunch, dinner, before bed and the next day whoa the hangover can just shhh she says as she pours another wine. But it’s ok because I’m drinking it out of a champagne glass so it’s really just like in those posh hotels when you have a cheeky one with breakfast. There are two minds in my head. The nonsense crazy car crash waiting to happen and then the girl who today says enough is enough and runs the downs and then hits the gym and runs some more before hitting the resistance machines for half an hour. This one is going to order an elderflower (flower, berry I’m not sure but it’s not wine). Tomorrow I want to be day 2 of progress. I liked the whites of my eyes too. I want the old me back.
My scribe today is a runner
I’m calling her that
Her title today
Though. She has fought
many others on the way
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Maybe I’m older
She is however
She is however.
Sprinkle it fondly
Hope and ambition
Sprinkle with love
Within you for sure
It’s a given.
The noise inside my ears
Least it breaks up the tears
As they’re falling down down down
After too many years
Confusion loss and fears
And me falling down down down
Time to get up
Make it up
to my fears
Gotta get myself outta bed
stop all this worry in my head
Put on my make up
As I’m making it today
Going to make it up today
Gotta keep at this trying
No sense in shutting out the dying
The cost, they have no mummy
My counsellors words, not funny
So here on day two we are again
Sobriety attempt one hundred and ten
You can do this. Keep at it.
For them. For them. For them.
Dealing now with nausea and sweats
A body aching a mind upset
Mouth dry but spitting torrets
It’s time though for no regrets.
Sobriety attempt one hundred and ten.
Because sometimes we need reminding not to judge
There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men.
True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.
Thank you EH