Coping mechanisms and the Y

There is a theory out there that the only way a person can truly recover from addiction is to confront it as a personal battle or journey and one only you yourself can do. You have to want to. For many this maybe after you hit your own rock bottom. You then have to really try. Really try.

Whilst a lot in this is true it is important we share too both the how and the why we stop. Or at least want and try to. For many it is simply moving from a daily drive of the fast car to maybe just taking it out on weekends, on less days than you would otherwise. For others it’s leaving it in the garage for maybe a few weeks or more then taking it out again. Then getting cross with it and putting it back in the garage. Rinse. Repeat. For some it is properly selling the damn thing.

Whatever category you fall into it is important to remain non judgemental of so called failures. The moment you judge that point you get back in the car it’s like licence to go even faster than before, fck it I’m gonna lose my licence so why lose it at 50, let’s hit 100. (I went here btw bad move). Important not to judge but to reflect in a quiet moment that recovers you a sense of control. Why did that happen then. Ok let’s do this again. This isn’t day one again. It’s picking up the bike after falling off, we aren’t learning to ride the thing, we know how to keep balance. It’s just we fell off.

Sharing for me is and has been important. Reading the blogs, listening to others coping, not coping, learning not to expect everything to just be super fairyland after a few days or months, sometimes just being inspired by those dedicating energy into fitness….. SO.

That’s where I want to focus on the Why. I think it’s super important to always revisit the why when you feel like you’re being drawn down the rabbit hole again. Alice is not your friend. She has an intoxicating smile but a stiletto in every pocket. Beware of The rabbit hole. Sometimes we can be tricked into thinking our craving is more than that, she is adept at dressing it up.

My ‘why’ is first and foremost I am a mother. I want to be there for my girls. When they need me. When they call. I want to see them grow up, I want to be something I never had (mother left me when I was 3). I want to be able to support them through studies, see them find love and be there for the break ups, be there for their wedding days, maybe be a granny one day. Be a granny my girls never had. My other ‘why’ is physical wellness. I’ve been told my red blood cells are slightly enlarged but otherwise my blood results are really very good (Hello? Is that hope?). So as a thank you to my blood and this body that allows me to see the sun rise, the laughs of my children, the delightful chaos and diversity of London, the feeling of strength when I have a good run through Hyde Park, I should say thank you. There are many other Whys. My husband of course, my late father – he had so much pride for me – since he left I’ve been a vertical jigsaw…

Anyway. I hadn’t meant this blog to be so long. It isn’t my style.

So there are a couple of ‘Why’s’. Let’s talk ‘How’.

Coping mechanisms

Reading your ‘Whys’.

Cleaning or organising admin. Writing a list of other things to occupy your mind.

Chamomile tea

Sugary coffee

Going for a brisk walk or run

Having a short drive and screaming. Yes.

Doing some jumping jacks

Telling yourself off.

Singing loudly – think Elf

Drinking Miso. Spicy if possible.

Breathe deeply.

Put your headphones on.

Join in. Do.

Big Wave today

No-one towed me out no this one was all under my own steam. I got myself here in this mess. Paddling along. Up and down like our home wifi which has been struggling to cope with the first proper Autumn dribbles.

The embers I call them. How appropriate. I digress.

I thought when I was told the cravings would be like waves I was kind of expecting the little ones you could boogie Board off. Oh no. Today we went big wave surfing. And it was scary. Like coming down a big hill on a bicycle way too fast and then suddenly noticing the fecking corner, that was my day, a few hills where I’d feel in control then seeing that corner knowing I was in trouble. Riding the wave and watching the gap you need to ride out of shrink faster than you’re catching it. Crap. I needed untold amounts of ginger biscuits, flapjacks and brownies, never mind that sushi nonsense (actually I quite like sushi) or Pret wraps no ALL I need today is sugar!!! And lots of it!!! Also though. I need to walk or run or jump about or scream or listen to loud music and sing really badly but I wouldn’t care because it’s LOUD YEAH!! But I can’t because when you’re a legal partner in an open plan office of a Blue Chip company and someone the grads are supposed to look up to you’re just not supposed to do that kind of stuff. 😤

Damn it. Day 7 sober. We made it this far though….I got through the gap. Just.

Wanting back my personality

Its like someone’s playing a game

Pull it back yeah steady, take aim

Take a hit .. nice..

feel okay for a bit.. maybe twice

But why its really doing it you see

Is

Just to rob me of my personality.

Jack and Jill fight up the hill

Have a drink yeah or take a pill

Anyway they keep up the play

And all they wanna do you see

Without you having a clue you see

Is

Know they’ve robbed you of your personality.

So ignore the knock

Turn the key in the lock

Absorb the pain like freezing rain

Surfing the inevitable strain

Turn it into something you control

Get out the hole you’re in

And it

Is

Simply. You win.

Day 5 sober.

Day one … again

Last night I thought was genuinely having liver failure, cold sweats were manic, feelings of nausea constant. Yesterday was day 5 of some of the worst binge drinking I’ve done. Absolute nutter and bad mother. I actually slept through the school run leaving my daughter calling her stepdad to get her. It’s shocking memories like this that I need to read again and again. Literally I need to shock myself out of this. Twice in those 5 days I was drinking at 10am, then lunch, dinner, before bed and the next day whoa the hangover can just shhh she says as she pours another wine. But it’s ok because I’m drinking it out of a champagne glass so it’s really just like in those posh hotels when you have a cheeky one with breakfast. There are two minds in my head. The nonsense crazy car crash waiting to happen and then the girl who today says enough is enough and runs the downs and then hits the gym and runs some more before hitting the resistance machines for half an hour. This one is going to order an elderflower (flower, berry I’m not sure but it’s not wine). Tomorrow I want to be day 2 of progress. I liked the whites of my eyes too. I want the old me back.

My scribe..

My scribe today is a runner

I’m calling her that

Her title today

Though. She has fought

many others on the way

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Maybe I’m older

She is however

Our enterprise

She is however.

Today’s spice.

Sprinkle it fondly

With glee

Hope and ambition

Sprinkle with love

Within you for sure

It’s a given.

From London

With love.

Make up

The noise inside my ears

Least it breaks up the tears

As they’re falling down down down

After too many years

Confusion loss and fears

And me falling down down down

Time to get up

Make it up

Face up

to my fears

Gotta get myself outta bed

stop all this worry in my head

Put on my make up

As I’m making it today

Going to make it up today