Coping mechanisms and the Y

There is a theory out there that the only way a person can truly recover from addiction is to confront it as a personal battle or journey and one only you yourself can do. You have to want to. For many this maybe after you hit your own rock bottom. You then have to really try. Really try.

Whilst a lot in this is true it is important we share too both the how and the why we stop. Or at least want and try to. For many it is simply moving from a daily drive of the fast car to maybe just taking it out on weekends, on less days than you would otherwise. For others it’s leaving it in the garage for maybe a few weeks or more then taking it out again. Then getting cross with it and putting it back in the garage. Rinse. Repeat. For some it is properly selling the damn thing.

Whatever category you fall into it is important to remain non judgemental of so called failures. The moment you judge that point you get back in the car it’s like licence to go even faster than before, fck it I’m gonna lose my licence so why lose it at 50, let’s hit 100. (I went here btw bad move). Important not to judge but to reflect in a quiet moment that recovers you a sense of control. Why did that happen then. Ok let’s do this again. This isn’t day one again. It’s picking up the bike after falling off, we aren’t learning to ride the thing, we know how to keep balance. It’s just we fell off.

Sharing for me is and has been important. Reading the blogs, listening to others coping, not coping, learning not to expect everything to just be super fairyland after a few days or months, sometimes just being inspired by those dedicating energy into fitness….. SO.

That’s where I want to focus on the Why. I think it’s super important to always revisit the why when you feel like you’re being drawn down the rabbit hole again. Alice is not your friend. She has an intoxicating smile but a stiletto in every pocket. Beware of The rabbit hole. Sometimes we can be tricked into thinking our craving is more than that, she is adept at dressing it up.

My ‘why’ is first and foremost I am a mother. I want to be there for my girls. When they need me. When they call. I want to see them grow up, I want to be something I never had (mother left me when I was 3). I want to be able to support them through studies, see them find love and be there for the break ups, be there for their wedding days, maybe be a granny one day. Be a granny my girls never had. My other ‘why’ is physical wellness. I’ve been told my red blood cells are slightly enlarged but otherwise my blood results are really very good (Hello? Is that hope?). So as a thank you to my blood and this body that allows me to see the sun rise, the laughs of my children, the delightful chaos and diversity of London, the feeling of strength when I have a good run through Hyde Park, I should say thank you. There are many other Whys. My husband of course, my late father – he had so much pride for me – since he left I’ve been a vertical jigsaw…

Anyway. I hadn’t meant this blog to be so long. It isn’t my style.

So there are a couple of ‘Why’s’. Let’s talk ‘How’.

Coping mechanisms

Reading your ‘Whys’.

Cleaning or organising admin. Writing a list of other things to occupy your mind.

Chamomile tea

Sugary coffee

Going for a brisk walk or run

Having a short drive and screaming. Yes.

Doing some jumping jacks

Telling yourself off.

Singing loudly – think Elf

Drinking Miso. Spicy if possible.

Breathe deeply.

Put your headphones on.

Join in. Do.

Wanting back my personality

Its like someone’s playing a game

Pull it back yeah steady, take aim

Take a hit .. nice..

feel okay for a bit.. maybe twice

But why its really doing it you see

Is

Just to rob me of my personality.

Jack and Jill fight up the hill

Have a drink yeah or take a pill

Anyway they keep up the play

And all they wanna do you see

Without you having a clue you see

Is

Know they’ve robbed you of your personality.

So ignore the knock

Turn the key in the lock

Absorb the pain like freezing rain

Surfing the inevitable strain

Turn it into something you control

Get out the hole you’re in

And it

Is

Simply. You win.

Day 5 sober.

X marks the spot

Your weakness.

Hate it or love it a lot

It represses you

Or excites you

It may kill you

It may fill you

May bring you love is

Or a poison promise

Or provide

Escape from the mundane

Confusion and insane

No matter where the X is

It is your controller

Your fix for now is.

Your Is. your being now.

How do we fix it?

Aggression or love?

Search inside

Search above

But do with love try to reach.

For. The answer we beseech.

Just run…feel alive

Well, having spent the first part of the morning chastising myself to the point of tears over yesterday’s tumbling back into two bottles of wine, especially given that yesterday I also weighed myself and saw a number I’d only last seen when I was pregnant, I decided to turn it around. Wrote a training plan. Ran 4.1 miles, 33 mins (but fairly flat). Did multiple burpees, star jumps and then ended with some sun salutations and warrior poses directing energy at being well again…. At least for today. Exercise makes you feel alive. No matter the weather. No matter the hangover or anxiety. I always feels better after a run.

The Jellyfish Promise

97% water it is no surprise there was never any substance in this promise.

I’m going to stop drinking today.

I made it to 3:30pm.

Then it was over. No doubt tomorrow morning will be the same, feelings will envelope me, regret, shame, despair, worry.

It isn’t that I heavily drank but that I just did and I’d promised I wouldn’t.

Tomorrow I need to run at least 4m training.

Otherwise though. The jellyfish promise remains. It’s. a. ‘Sort of’.

Red wine time

But I am limiting my intake see as have chosen the champagne flute as a vessel for my poison. Back home today. I am blessed with home being quite a special place. You see really there is no reason or rhyme for my madness. Other than maybe the title of this post. I have thrown carrots but no rabbits today. Nor birds for the bread. I’m wondering if the lorries nearby have frightened them all away. Constant noise today. Inside my head and out. But. Much. Much. Better than yesterday.